Aftermath
by Kate Lotus
Summary: It was normal to see Levi with a cup of black tea. It was not normal to see Levi with an almost empty crystal decanter.


**First of all I want to apologize for this beforehand because I apparently can't write anything about Attack on Titan that isn't dark. I was talking with a good friend of mine about the characters and whatnot, and I got this terrible idea in my head for a fanfic. So my dear, this is dedicated to you, and readers, please have tissues ready because if this turns out how I want it to, you'll need them.**

 **Before continuing please know these two facts about Attack on Titan! 1.) Levi doesn't drink alcohol at all in the series. 2.) Levi has said that Eren is the best at cleaning in the squad. Most of the things mentioned *should* be universal truths that the characters know so if I'm wrong somewhere I'm sorry.**

I knocked on the door to Levi's office. I knew he didn't sleep much, so I wasn't surprised that he'd be there, as late as it was. That and I could see the light from the candle flickering underneath the crack of the door. I've kept myself busy these last few days after returning from the 57th Expedition by cleaning. Nonstop cleaning for days gave me something to do instead of thinking of their faces as they died. It didn't really solve anything, other than giving Levi time for himself. We all tried to stay a little out of his way, unless ordered otherwise. There were a few days until we proceeded with our next step after all.

I knocked again and after waiting a few moments I walked through the door, calling out for Levi. Truthfully, I've been trying to keep an eye on Levi since we got back. He tries so hard to not be emotionally involved, all work, all professional. But you don't become Humanity's Strongest without having something or someone you want to protect, or something to fight for. I've always thought that was the reason he doesn't drink. As a soldier, we must be ready at a moment's notice. It wouldn't be professional to be caught up in emotions or shitfaced drunk.

"Heichou, I've completed the cleaning duties assigned for the day." I said, standing at attention. "I was wondering what else…" I broke off when I saw him sitting at his desk. It wasn't uncommon for him to be working with a cup of tea sitting on the edge of his desk.

What was completely unusual was the crystal decanter sitting on his desk, with only two fingers of whatever liquor had filled the bottle.

I looked up at him again, noticing not for the first time since I walked in that he seemed to be staring into the distance, completely oblivious to the surroundings around him. The dark circles that seemed to be a permanent part of his face dominated his expression. He didn't even seem to see me as he picked up the decanter by the neck and drained whatever was left. All formalities and feelings of intimidation flew out the window. Levi never drank. No one in the squad had ever told me stories of Levi drinking. Not even Hanji, who was a frequent drinker and always loved to tell stories.

I rushed over to his chair and kneeled down next to him. I could smell the alcohol radiating from him. Scotch. The closer I got to him, the more details I could see in his face. There was a clear strain on his face that was more intense than usual, his eyes were bloodshot, and the rims of his eyes were red and puffy.

Levi was drinking. Levi had been crying. I'd never had that natural protective instinct Mikasa had but in this moment I felt it. "Levi, I – "

"Eren. Errren Ereeeen Eren." His voice was rough and shaky, like I've never heard him speak before. The decanter still hung from his fingers. "Gunther. Eld. Oluo. Petra. That's the order I found them, you know." His eyes slid over my face, taking an extra few seconds to focus on mine. I felt a white dread wash over me. I haven't been with Levi's Squad for a long time, but it didn't take a long time for me to feel like I belonged with them. "I remember meeting each and every one of them. And every time I knew it'd only be a matter of time before they'd be a member of my squad. I didn't know how important they'd be until I met you, you little shit. They didn't blindly trust you when they met you and that in and of itself was very important."

I said his name again, reaching up to try and take the dangling decanter from his fingers. He gripped the neck tighter in one hand as my hand neared his as the other had his hair in a death grip. My hand settled on his wrist.

"Oluo was always an idiot, such an annoying idiot. He couldn't see that I chose him for his abilities and not his shitty mimictations of me. Petra. God Petra was always looking over you and worrying about me. Even without the trust involved. Eld always kept to himself, but there was more than one deep conversation I'd had with him. And Gunther. He was always reasonable when no one else was. You should've heard him when he discovered why this squad was being formed." I gulped. He was right. There was a rough start, but in the end we were a team. Levi continued.

"They all trusted me, you know. Of course you know. You trusted me too. Right before the Female Titan got caught in our trap I let you decide what you were going to do. You were the last to make the choice. They all – they all trusted me with everything they had. We'd only been a squad a short time and they trusted me with everything." Levi began to talk faster and faster, his whole body shaking. I kept one hand on his wrist and the other around his shoulders. I kept inching my way closer and closer to the decanter. He began to search my face frantically. "I agreed to the plan Eren, I agreed to it. I left them after I thought we successfully captured Annie and I – I let them die. They trusted in me to keep them safe and alive I left them. If – if I'd been there – I could've saved them, I could've – done something, I could've – "

Before I knew it two things happened at once. First, tears began to spill down Levi's face. I'd never seen him cry before. Second, the crystal decanter shattered and broke in his hand. Levi barely moved. He looked at his bloodied hand and spoke my name softly before looking at me again. What he said next almost brought me to tears as well.

"How will they ever forgive me? Let's face it, in our world it'll only be a matter of time for me and _how will I face them when that time comes?_ "

I made a decision then. Before anymore of this continued, I had to bandage his hand.

"Levi, I want you to listen to something I have to say. But first, let me take care of your hand, okay?" He nodded numbly and I helped him to sit over in his mostly unused bed. Once he settled for a moment, I quickly swept the remaining crystal shards and deposited them into the trash. I fetched the first aid kit in his desk and pulled up a chair facing his bed. He held out his hand and winced every time I pulled a shard out. Thankfully none of them were very deep, but there were several. After I removed them all I gently smeared some antibacterial crème on his hands and pulled out some bandages. I spoke as I wrapped his hand.

"When I first met you, Levi, I was scared. Not in the way I was when facing Titans, but in a pure intimidated kind of way. You were someone I'd heard about and you were completely different than what I imagined. But quickly that fear turned into respect. There were a lot of things you didn't say. You told me what to do and made sure I knew why they were being done. It wasn't long before I started to see you as my mentor. Sometimes I would think about how someone I'd always heard about and looked up to was my squad leader." I could feel his eyes on me as I worked and spoke.

"Of course we trusted you. Of course I still trust you now. Levi, I can only imagine the things you've been through and the horrifying situations you've seen. No one I've met seems to be as qualified as you to lead a squad. Sure you don't talk about yourself that much but from how I've seen you interact with others says a lot about you. Whether you want others to know or not, you do care about people. I know that. And they knew that too. None of them would blame you. They knew you trusted in their abilities. Don't insult them like that, you know? They would want to know they made you proud." I tied the knot on his bandage and finally looked up at him, not really knowing what to expect. Sure he was my superior and I was probably out of line, but I didn't think that mattered right now.

I can't really describe the look on his face, other than it was like I had found the exact words he'd needed to hear. Totally forgetting my boundaries, I reached over and wiped the remaining tears from his face. I froze for a minute, realizing what I just did to whom, and began to pull my hand away. Levi stopped me, holding my hand to his face for a moment before letting go.

"Eren, I have another order for you." I stood and saluted, before addressing him with the proper formalities. He smirked and shook his head. "None of that now. I just want you to stay here tonight, is that clear?" I nodded. "Good. Now sit down." I sat. He laid down, not bothering to use the comforter, and was asleep within moments. For the first time in days his face relaxed. I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't slept since we returned.

I sat in his chair, making myself as comfortable as possible. I was equally as exhausted, and leaned over to rest my head down on the bed, using my arms as pillows. I could feel myself drifting asleep, but not before I felt Levi's hand comb through my hair and rest on the back of my head.


End file.
